Epiphany

I had another college talk with my dad, he wants to send me to an excellent university and i have no problem with that. The problem is, he doesn't want me coming back to Manila afterwards. I don't know if you necessarily agree with the fact that a lot of people think Manila kids are spoiled. I know for certain that I could be more independent and responsible if it weren't for the yayas i have here and all the wealthy surroundings i am exposed to, but at least I know. At least I don't take advantage of it.

My dad tells me I'm not ready for the real world.

Last night, i had a reunion with the the "fab5" who went on the french trip. I might have another one on sunday with the laburs in tulus + yuey + breanne. The two guys in our group, always packed with inspiring wisdom and stories, confided in us, the three girls, stories of their past. It's much too private and personal to every say on here, even if this is somewhat anonymous. All I know is it made me realize that living in Manila is like living in a bubble. All i've been occupied with for the past 16 years (well, mostly) are grades, designer brands, and outshining everyone. Yet here are people like D and D who have experienced the real world at the age of 13. I can't even call 13 a tender age anymore; I supposed one should be independent by the time they reach the age of 10. I don't even know how to define independence, does it mean you're detached from your parents? That's the only way I know I can live my own life somewhere else where I am devoid of the affection I get 24/7 from my family. I know I never want to be anywhere without them if I know I won't be coming back to them in a matter of days. In the real world, you have to. You stick out for yourself and you can't do that and live life independently at the same time without leaving people behind. I never thought I'd have to leave my family behind, but I know now that in two years, I will be doing exactly that.

My time with my sister is limited, she's leaving for college in the summer of 2010, how fast time has gone by. Sooner or later, i can only imagine her living in the states and we'll only get to see each other through skype. I dont know if she's ready, I don't think I ever will be. We kind of never really talk about it, it's grown to be some family taboo because my mom's very attached to all three of us. I honestly don't know how life will be without my sister, she's my other 10-month older half.

While I loved how close I am with my parents and sisters, I don't know if I want to raise my own kids that way, but at the same time i don't know if i can resist doing so. I guess the saying "everyone walks in an out of your life" is true, we only have footprints to cherish, but eventually we'll have to leave people behind to move forward in life. Maybe that's why emotionally-devoid people are luckier, in a sense. Maybe the emptiness is a reassuring feeling, oh i don't know. Manila has raised me to be who i am, and i fucking love it. I know college won't be anymore of those UCLA summer camps, or the french immersion trip, it will be the real deal and I won't be MIA for just 10 days or a month.

I've learned that beyond whooping ass in school and beating myself for the grades, there is more to life. Manila conceals them all because of the closely-knit families that exist, but I know for sure I'm still learning the ropes. I promised myself i'd raise my kids here, life in the states is just too extreme. I'm kind of in this trance right now, I don't know if i want it to last. Certainyl my eyes have opened up to what is really out there. Thank you, D. I look forward to more dinner conversations with you, you've really opened my eyes. So whether or not I return to Manila after college is a mystery. I'll let you know.

For now, manila, i fucking love you.